Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*