In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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If you had more money you’d be happier.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*