In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water