In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese