In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Me too door. Me too.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
