In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
