*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.