Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

Mapping America’s Far Right

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow