Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

saving face 👀

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

[adds another nod to the conversation]