Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

I went from rags to one rag.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no