Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

Sheep

date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?

me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.