@mrtiredeyes

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

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@WheelTod

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

@iGreenMonk

“For God’s sex, stop making fun of my English.”

#WhereEnglishFails

@Lisabug74

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

@dave_cactus

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

@Jc1Johnny

If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

@NYC_Blonde

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

@SatansTongue

Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want