in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
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I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.