Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”