In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
peep davidson
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.