Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway