Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.