In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
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thank god the sign was there
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”