Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

incredible google review i just found

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people