Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Just a phase…

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.