In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts