In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The first one, obviously
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important