In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’ve disappointed better people.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism