Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

[Interrogation room]

Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK

Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Raisins are grape jerky.