@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

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@jjhartinger

I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.

@krisv_723

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

@PinkCamoTO

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

@clichedout

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

@3sunzzz

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

@panmidwest

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@karanbirtinna

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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