In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
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I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, “thank you baby jesus” and left.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)