@G96310300

In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.

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@Mish3l_Ali

Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”

@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

@AndyRichter

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

@oothikicha

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

@n_brayshaw

tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools

@Marlebean

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

@SufficientCharm

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

@BrownDogBlanket

People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.