Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no