In a meeting.

Can I go first? Thanks.

Gets up and leaves.

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Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?


This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.


[first day as a librarian]

customer: i can’t find the fiction section

me: i renamed it

customer: what

me: lies


Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?


“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.


I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…


[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time


Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*


This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.