Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[first day as a librarian]
customer: i can’t find the fiction section
me: i renamed it
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Do you hate yourself?
Do you wish someone would trip you down stairs?
Do you enjoy lacerations & and surprise vomit piles?
*hands you a cat*
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.