Girls can be so ungrateful, I made her breakfast in bed, & instead of saying “Thank You”, she’s all like “How did you get into my house!”
In a meeting.
Can I go first? Thanks.
Gets up and leaves.
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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!
tried on a bra in Primark & it was nice so I went to buy it but there was no tag so the guy went to find a supervisor to get a code, comes back & goes “this isn’t ours, it’s a swap” so someone has literally left THEIR OWN BRA on a hanger in order to shoplift one AND I TRIED IT ON
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.