Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”

Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Squirrels before girls.

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not