Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.

Follow me for more recipes.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱