Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.