*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
