[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
happy valentine’s day to me
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
plant them where lol
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?