Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

[in a getaway car]

robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask

me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*