In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Where is your GOD now????
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
I didn’t know they can drive…
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain