In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Beware of the dog..
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
this is the kind of friend i am
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake