Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles