In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
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What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever