In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Breaking news:
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean