In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.