Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

I occasionally drink every single night.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

men, we mow at sunrise.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice