Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

💀💀💀💀

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one

*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.