I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Yup.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I know karate and tons of other words.