In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
True freaking story!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
[shakes fist at other fist]
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.