Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.