Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker