In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
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ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
#CatsOnTwitter
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!