In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.