In a parallel universe nobody can park.
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Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
stand with me against insufficient seating
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?