In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Become ungovernable.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.