Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.