In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
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Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*