In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.