@jwoodham

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

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@markydoodoo

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

@HansGrubertron

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

@GrantTanaka

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

@ShortSleeveSuit

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

@CourtneyBale

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

@L8yK8y

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

@Bratterina

A gang of pigs that do martial arts and go around the city fighting crime, call themselves “The Pork Chops”

Don’t steal my idea.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

@TheAlexNevil

The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.

HR: No.

@UncleDuke1969

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?