In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

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[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one


[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs


*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles


[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer


To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms


In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.


A gang of pigs that do martial arts and go around the city fighting crime, call themselves “The Pork Chops”

Don’t steal my idea.


My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu


The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.

HR: No.


ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?