In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?