In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn