In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*