In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.