Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?