In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Yup
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
