In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
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8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
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Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Sell your car
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If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Life with a cat in one tweet
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.