In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
groan^2
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.