In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Ken is short for chicken
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it