In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Priorities
found my next D&D character name
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.