Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE