In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
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If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Namaste
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.