Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Me: I need one washer for the sink

Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

Never mess with a drunken pig.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.

Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not