In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
(Gaming support cat.)
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me