In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.