Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.