Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

I’m giving up ice.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

What.

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.