Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.