(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog