in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
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If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it