In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
The symmetry is uncanny.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.