[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Milk Cube
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Sure. Why not?
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!