[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Me if I was a dog
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.