In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
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I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Breaking news:
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Getting married soon just need a spouse
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo